小明 : 把拔，我們班今天有轉學生耶!
老爸 : 是喔? 然後呢?
小明 ： 好暈，下課一直吐。
2013年11月9日 星期六
Should I cut it into six pieces or eight?
A man walked in to a pizza place and ordered a pizza.
The pizza man asked him,
"Should I cut it into six pieces or eight?"
And the man answered,
"Cut it into six; I couldn't eat eight."
The pizza man asked him,
"Should I cut it into six pieces or eight?"
And the man answered,
"Cut it into six; I couldn't eat eight."
Tuesday and Thursday
A Polak is applying for a job.
During the interview, the chief decided to ask him a question.
“How many days in the week that start with ‘T’?”
The Polak said, “Two!”
“Very good!” said the chief. "And what are they?”
“Today and Tomorrow!”
During the interview, the chief decided to ask him a question.
“How many days in the week that start with ‘T’?”
The Polak said, “Two!”
“Very good!” said the chief. "And what are they?”
“Today and Tomorrow!”
Measure the height of a pole
An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polak with a very long pole and a yardstick.
He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick.
Seeing the Polak's ignorance,
the American wrenches the pole out of his hand,
lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick,
and says, "There! 10 feet long."
The Polak grabs the yardstick and shouts,
"You idiot American! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!"
He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick.
Seeing the Polak's ignorance,
the American wrenches the pole out of his hand,
lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick,
and says, "There! 10 feet long."
The Polak grabs the yardstick and shouts,
"You idiot American! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!"
Mark fishing sopt
These two Polish men rent a boat and go fishing in a lake.
They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day,
so one says to the other,
"We'll have to come back here tomorrow!"
The other asks,
"But how will we remember where this spot is?"
The first guy then takes a can of spray paint,
paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says,
"We'll just look for this X tomorrow."
The other guy says,
"You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"
They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day,
so one says to the other,
"We'll have to come back here tomorrow!"
The other asks,
"But how will we remember where this spot is?"
The first guy then takes a can of spray paint,
paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says,
"We'll just look for this X tomorrow."
The other guy says,
"You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"
Nail
These two Poles are building a house.
One of them is putting on the siding.
He picks up a nail, hammers it in.
Picks up another nail, throws it away.
Picks up a nail, hammers it in.
Picks up another, throws it away.
This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away.
He replies,
"Those ones were pointed on the wrong end."
The buddy gets exasperated and says
"You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!"
One of them is putting on the siding.
He picks up a nail, hammers it in.
Picks up another nail, throws it away.
Picks up a nail, hammers it in.
Picks up another, throws it away.
This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away.
He replies,
"Those ones were pointed on the wrong end."
The buddy gets exasperated and says
"You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!"
Saw
A Polish man is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard.
He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.
The dealer tells him,
"Look, I have a lot of models,
but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model.
This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."
So the Pole takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees.
After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit.
He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw.
"How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?", the man asks himself.
"I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day", he tells himself.
So, the next morning he gets up at 4 in the morning and cuts, and cuts, and cuts till nightfall,
and he only manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw.
"The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem.
I will take this saw back to the dealer."
The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem.
The dealer, baffled by the Pole's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case.
The dealer says, "Huh, it looks fine."
Then the dealer starts the chainsaw,
to which the Pole responds, "What's that noise?"
He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.
The dealer tells him,
"Look, I have a lot of models,
but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model.
This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."
So the Pole takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees.
After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit.
He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw.
"How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?", the man asks himself.
"I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day", he tells himself.
So, the next morning he gets up at 4 in the morning and cuts, and cuts, and cuts till nightfall,
and he only manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw.
"The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem.
I will take this saw back to the dealer."
The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem.
The dealer, baffled by the Pole's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case.
The dealer says, "Huh, it looks fine."
Then the dealer starts the chainsaw,
to which the Pole responds, "What's that noise?"
We know you're up there
A Polish, English, and French guy are running away from the German soldiers
when they come up to a forest and they decide to hide by each climbing a tree.
When the Germans arrive, they go to the first tree where the English guy is, and shout,
"We know you're up there. Come down."
The English guy, thinking fast, says,
"Tweet, tweet, tweet..."
The Germans, thinking that it's a bird, move on to the next tree where the French guy is and once again shout,
"We know you're up there. Come down."
The French guy, thinking fast, says,
"Hoot, Hoot, Hoot..."
The Germans, thinking that it's an owl, move on to the next tree where the Polish guy is and once again shout,
"We know you're up there. Come down."
The Polish guy thinks for a while and then says,
"Moo, moo, moo..."
when they come up to a forest and they decide to hide by each climbing a tree.
When the Germans arrive, they go to the first tree where the English guy is, and shout,
"We know you're up there. Come down."
The English guy, thinking fast, says,
"Tweet, tweet, tweet..."
The Germans, thinking that it's a bird, move on to the next tree where the French guy is and once again shout,
"We know you're up there. Come down."
The French guy, thinking fast, says,
"Hoot, Hoot, Hoot..."
The Germans, thinking that it's an owl, move on to the next tree where the Polish guy is and once again shout,
"We know you're up there. Come down."
The Polish guy thinks for a while and then says,
"Moo, moo, moo..."
2013年11月4日 星期一
2013年11月3日 星期日
最慘的四個誤會
誤會一：
今天加班，
女同事帶了袋牛奶放在熱水器上加熱，
男同事準備去裝開水，
女同事輕聲說：你摸摸我的奶熱不熱？
男同事說：這裡人很多喔！
女同事說：沒關係呀！叫你摸摸又不是讓你喝...
誤會二：
公司老闆在公司找不到二兒子，
正好碰到女財務部經理，便問：看見我老二了嗎？
經理臉一紅，低聲說：我一直想看，您不給機會呀。
經理臉一紅，低聲說：我一直想看，您不給機會呀。
誤會三：
男女相親，在茶館面對面坐，語拙無題，
男生主動挑起話題，妳是怎樣看待房巿的？
女一楞低頭沈默許久，說：只要姿勢不要太奇怪，我會儘量配合，但一定要讓我叫出來！
誤會四：
男同學到女同學工作的城市出差，女到飯店探望。
談天正投緣，聊到個人收入，
男問女：你稅後多少錢？
女臉一紅，弱弱回答：同學要睡還提啥錢，今天上床就算我招待你吧！
2013年10月30日 星期三
You are next!
This Polak came home one day from work, hung up his coat,
took off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting "honey I am home!"
What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife.
Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his
head.
His wife started laughing.
"Don't laugh!" he screams. "You're next!"
took off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting "honey I am home!"
What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife.
Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his
head.
His wife started laughing.
"Don't laugh!" he screams. "You're next!"
Pain
A woman went to see a doctor. "Doctor, I'm in terrible pain."
"Show me where," the doctor said.
The woman put her fingers on her arm, "ohhh, right there."
Then she put her finger on her chest, "Argggh, right there."
Then she put her finger on her stomach, "Owww, right there."
The doctor looked at her, "You're not by any chance Polish, are you?"
"Why, yes," she replied. "Why?"
"You've got a broken finger."
"Show me where," the doctor said.
The woman put her fingers on her arm, "ohhh, right there."
Then she put her finger on her chest, "Argggh, right there."
Then she put her finger on her stomach, "Owww, right there."
The doctor looked at her, "You're not by any chance Polish, are you?"
"Why, yes," she replied. "Why?"
"You've got a broken finger."
Poland Scientist
Poland sent its top team of scientists to attend the international science
convention, where all the countries of the world gathered to compare their
scientific achievements and plans.
The scientists listened to the United States describe how they were another
step closer to a cure for cancer, and the Russians were preparing a space
ship to go to Saturn, and Germany was inventing a car that runs on water.
Soon, it was the Polish scientists' turn to speak.
"Well, we are preparing a space ship to fly to the sun."
This, of course was met with much ridicule.
They were asked how they planned to deal with the sun's extreme heat.
"Simple, we're going at night!"
convention, where all the countries of the world gathered to compare their
scientific achievements and plans.
The scientists listened to the United States describe how they were another
step closer to a cure for cancer, and the Russians were preparing a space
ship to go to Saturn, and Germany was inventing a car that runs on water.
Soon, it was the Polish scientists' turn to speak.
"Well, we are preparing a space ship to fly to the sun."
This, of course was met with much ridicule.
They were asked how they planned to deal with the sun's extreme heat.
"Simple, we're going at night!"
Road Work
A Polak is hired to paint the lines on the road.
On the first day he paints ten miles, and his employers are amazed.
But, the second day he painted just five,
and on only the third day, he painted only a mile of the road.
Disappointed his boss asks what the problem was.
The Polak replies,
"Well sir, every day I have to walk farther and farther
to get back to the paint bucket."
On the first day he paints ten miles, and his employers are amazed.
But, the second day he painted just five,
and on only the third day, he painted only a mile of the road.
Disappointed his boss asks what the problem was.
The Polak replies,
"Well sir, every day I have to walk farther and farther
to get back to the paint bucket."
Three men
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Polak,
and they get captured by some Amazons.
The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for
your whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take oil!"
So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times.
When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can
hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Polak,
"What do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!" says the Polak, and he stands there straight and takes
his 10 lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.
He responds, "I'll take the Polak!"
and they get captured by some Amazons.
The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for
your whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take oil!"
So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times.
When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can
hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Polak,
"What do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!" says the Polak, and he stands there straight and takes
his 10 lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.
He responds, "I'll take the Polak!"
Turn Signal
An English guy is driving with a Polish guy as his passenger, when he decides
to pull over because he suspect that his turn signal may not be working.
He asks the Polish guy if he doesn't mind stepping out of the car to check
the lights while he tests them.
The Polish guy steps out and stands in front of the car.
The English guy turns on the turn signal and asks, "Is it working?"
To which the Polish guy responds, "Yes, it's working....No, it's not
working...Yes, it's working....No, it's not working...."
to pull over because he suspect that his turn signal may not be working.
He asks the Polish guy if he doesn't mind stepping out of the car to check
the lights while he tests them.
The Polish guy steps out and stands in front of the car.
The English guy turns on the turn signal and asks, "Is it working?"
To which the Polish guy responds, "Yes, it's working....No, it's not
working...Yes, it's working....No, it's not working...."
English Jokes
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's
the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and
sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted
me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your
monkey for you.''
2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is
having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day
she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs
the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging
and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds
to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach
me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't
make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and
sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted
me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your
monkey for you.''
2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is
having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day
she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs
the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging
and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds
to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach
me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't
make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony
was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of
Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I
asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
''Pint please, and one for the road.''
11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything
for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew
they worked.
13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull
a fast one''.
14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain,
they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also
had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've
seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
15. There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this
thing?''
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the
simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see
about that.''
19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance
caller'', he said ''Not you again''.
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but
don't start anything''
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is
this some kind of joke?''
24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food
in here''
25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I
said ''Did you get my drift?''.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the
cobwebs out of her hair.
27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?''
they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess
nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I
said, ''Are you two an item?''
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition
and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a
red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I
asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.
32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want
your type in here''
33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there
was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint,
this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past
four.
37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet
it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers
for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a
turtle disaster
39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and
go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we
wouldn't need the bloody phone!''
40. I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He said
''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.
43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Wedgie Kray.
48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
49. A seal walks into a club...
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth,
it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
2013年10月25日 星期五
2013年10月19日 星期六
2013年10月17日 星期四
結束長達二十三年的單身
小明在他二十三歲生日時許了一個願望
神啊! 請你幫助我結束二十三年的單身吧!
突然, 上帝說話了 : 好的, 我幫你實現這個願望
於是, 時間快轉了一年
小明來到了第二十四年的單身...
神啊! 請你幫助我結束二十三年的單身吧!
突然, 上帝說話了 : 好的, 我幫你實現這個願望
於是, 時間快轉了一年
小明來到了第二十四年的單身...
2013年10月14日 星期一
獵人與老虎
一天，張獵戶打獵回家
發現地上一灘血跡，孩兒則不知去向
獵戶暗叫不好，抄起一把柴刀便往山裡奔去
到半山腰處，只見一吊晴白額大虎埋頭大嚼
再細看，竟是孩兒的尸骨！
獵戶頓時殺意沸騰，出手便是一個殺招搶進
招招狠辣，刀刀致命
一時間，老虎險象環生，只有招架之功，幾無還手之力
若在平時，這一人一虎倒也能鬥個旗鼓相當
但獵戶痛失愛子，下手皆是拼命，早將生死置之度外
而老虎倉促應敵，更是失了先機
只幾個回合，身上便多了幾道口子，血流如注
“噗”
老虎的大腿給結結實實的砍著，不禁軟倒在地，再也難以站立
“求求你饒過我這條性命吧...”老虎苦苦哀求
“我豈能留你再傷人性命！”
獵戶眼布血絲，手中柴刀眼看就要劈下
“可我肚裡有你的孩子啊！”老虎哭喊
於是，獵戶與老虎奉子成婚，結為連理
發現地上一灘血跡，孩兒則不知去向
獵戶暗叫不好，抄起一把柴刀便往山裡奔去
到半山腰處，只見一吊晴白額大虎埋頭大嚼
再細看，竟是孩兒的尸骨！
獵戶頓時殺意沸騰，出手便是一個殺招搶進
招招狠辣，刀刀致命
一時間，老虎險象環生，只有招架之功，幾無還手之力
若在平時，這一人一虎倒也能鬥個旗鼓相當
但獵戶痛失愛子，下手皆是拼命，早將生死置之度外
而老虎倉促應敵，更是失了先機
只幾個回合，身上便多了幾道口子，血流如注
“噗”
老虎的大腿給結結實實的砍著，不禁軟倒在地，再也難以站立
“求求你饒過我這條性命吧...”老虎苦苦哀求
“我豈能留你再傷人性命！”
獵戶眼布血絲，手中柴刀眼看就要劈下
“可我肚裡有你的孩子啊！”老虎哭喊
於是，獵戶與老虎奉子成婚，結為連理
2013年10月12日 星期六
2013年10月5日 星期六
不要跟喝醉的人講道理
小明的爸爸總是會喝的爛醉回家
有一天 他爸又醉醺醺的回到家
把他叫了過來 跟他說
"阿明阿 爸爸每天喝的這樣醉茫茫 也是有我的苦衷的"
"你知道為瞎咪嘛"
阿明 " 為瞎咪?"
"你賣問!"
有一天 他爸又醉醺醺的回到家
把他叫了過來 跟他說
"阿明阿 爸爸每天喝的這樣醉茫茫 也是有我的苦衷的"
"你知道為瞎咪嘛"
阿明 " 為瞎咪?"
"你賣問!"
圖書館不可以講話太大聲
小明走進圖書館大聲喊 : "我要一碗牛肉麵!!!"
"先生,這邊是圖書館喔!!!"
小明很不好意思....
是喔...不好意思........那我要一碗牛肉麵...(輕聲細語)
"先生,這邊是圖書館喔!!!"
小明很不好意思....
是喔...不好意思........那我要一碗牛肉麵...(輕聲細語)
一人出一半
在百貨公司裡看到一對夫婦 ...
說了讓我在旁邊差點昏倒的話 ....
老婆看到喜歡的戒指，拉著老公過去看
看了一下子，老公問老婆：「真的喜歡嗎 ?」
老婆一直點頭 .... 帶著懇求的眼神
於是老公問店員：「請問，這個戒指多少錢呀 ?」
店員說：「打過折，$8888 元 ~」
老公本來要付錢的，這時候他老婆竟然說：
「老公 ..看你那麼體貼我也付一半價錢 ...」
聽完老公一定很開心，我跟店員的想法應該一樣 ~
有這種老婆應該很不錯，會幫自己分擔
但是沒想到 .............
他老婆掏出了88元 ，說道:
「老公我出一半了，剩下的交給你 ............. 」
說了讓我在旁邊差點昏倒的話 ....
老婆看到喜歡的戒指，拉著老公過去看
看了一下子，老公問老婆：「真的喜歡嗎 ?」
老婆一直點頭 .... 帶著懇求的眼神
於是老公問店員：「請問，這個戒指多少錢呀 ?」
店員說：「打過折，$8888 元 ~」
老公本來要付錢的，這時候他老婆竟然說：
「老公 ..看你那麼體貼我也付一半價錢 ...」
聽完老公一定很開心，我跟店員的想法應該一樣 ~
有這種老婆應該很不錯，會幫自己分擔
但是沒想到 .............
他老婆掏出了88元 ，說道:
「老公我出一半了，剩下的交給你 ............. 」
2013年10月4日 星期五
笑話村
從前，有個村莊，叫做笑話村。
每個村民都很愛講笑話
見面也講 告別也講
吵架也講 親熱也講
總是講久了，一聽開頭就知道這是哪一則笑話。
於是就把所有笑話都編號，節省講和聽的時間。
有一天，村裡舉辦講笑話大賽
眾家好手齊聚一堂。
台上：「4號！」 台下鼓掌叫好：「阿哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈~~~」
台上：「32號！」 台下高聲喝采：「嘎哈哈哈哈哈哈哈~~~~~」
有個小孩看見：「心理想著，這有什麼困難，我也要比，ㄎㄎ」
於是他也站到台上。
小孩大喊：「28號！」
台下：「................................」
有個老人看不過去，就罵：
死猴崽孩子講什麼黃色笑話！
每個村民都很愛講笑話
見面也講 告別也講
吵架也講 親熱也講
總是講久了，一聽開頭就知道這是哪一則笑話。
於是就把所有笑話都編號，節省講和聽的時間。
有一天，村裡舉辦講笑話大賽
眾家好手齊聚一堂。
台上：「4號！」 台下鼓掌叫好：「阿哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈~~~」
台上：「32號！」 台下高聲喝采：「嘎哈哈哈哈哈哈哈~~~~~」
有個小孩看見：「心理想著，這有什麼困難，我也要比，ㄎㄎ」
於是他也站到台上。
小孩大喊：「28號！」
台下：「................................」
有個老人看不過去，就罵：
死猴崽孩子講什麼黃色笑話！
聰明的女生
一天下午，天氣悶熱，午睡醒來，懶洋洋地在澡盆裡泡著，
忽然發現一樁事，使我恍如大夢初醒。
我無意之中聽到愛妻把一些人生大道理傳授給九歲的女兒。
我聽了大為愕然，現在特地轉告各位已婚男子，以資警惕。
她們母女倆出去逛街買新衣服，
捧著大大小小的盒子回家，並不知道我在浴室。
愛妻得意洋洋的哼著周杰倫的「爸爸不要打我媽媽」，把買回來的東西放在衣箱裡。
突然女兒問道：「媽媽，爸爸一直說窮，是真的嗎？」
「當然不是，他只是要我們知道，他需要辛辛苦苦地賺錢，我們才有好日子過。」
「難道他賺錢不辛苦嗎？」
「並不像他說的那麼辛苦。」
我剛要插嘴反駁，可是還沒有來得及開口，愛妻又繼續說下去。
「我的好女兒，那只不過是一種花招，妳長大了也要學習的。
男人都一樣，要人奉承，他們喜歡自以為是的，總認為自己聰明又能幹，
我們沒有他們就過不了好日子，妳可曾注意到，
有妳爸爸在旁邊的時候，我都故意裝得什麼都不會？」
「我知道。」
「他不在的時候，我自己當然能獨當一面。
可是男人並不喜歡女人能幹，
妳將來自己有了丈夫的時候可要記住這一點。
他們喜歡不但不會做事，而且有點傻氣的老婆，
使他們覺得自己了不起。
妳現在要開始學的，就是怎樣在適當的時機顯得軟弱無能，
千萬別讓男人看出妳知道的比他多，他一輩子都不會饒妳的。」
女兒仔細思考這個人生真諦。
我一聲不響地靜待著，像河馬似的，
把鼻子和耳朵露出水面，每個字都要聽得清清楚楚。
女兒開口了，她問：「妳不愛爸爸嗎？」
「當然愛他，女人的秘密武器是假裝纖弱溫柔，
要纖弱得連轉開牙膏的蓋子都非得要人幫忙不可。」
過了一會兒，她像嗓子裡有東西堵住，很不好受的追加一句：
「我甚至於天冷時半夜起來，倒一杯水都不會。」
後來她們發現我在浴室裡時，我假裝在澡盆裡睡著了，
所以她們不知道母女倆這段氣煞人的對話已經全部被我聽到。
我想，等著瞧吧，女兒要是敢照這番母教來捉弄我的話，
我便好好的打她一頓屁股。
可是她使出新學的這一招時，手法完全出乎我的意料之外。
當天晚上我坐著看書，她跑過來站在旁邊，
我心想她要現原形了，先來一番甜言蜜語，
逗我高興，然後求我多給她零用錢，
我要是不好好的教訓她一頓就怪了。
她說：「爸爸。」
我說：「什麼事？」
「有件事你知道嗎？」
「不知道，什麼事？」
「媽媽認為你是個傻瓜。」
「妳為什麼這樣說？」
「是她這麼說的，她說你並沒有像你自己想的那麼聰明。」
「她什麼時候說這樣的話？」
「今天。她說男人都是傻瓜，只要馬屁拍得好，要他們幹什麼，他們都肯。」
「那妳認為怎麼樣呢？」
這孩子本性是老實的，其實我不必替她擔憂，
她說：「我不認為爸爸傻，你不會上那樣的當，
別的男人也許會，我的爸爸可不會，絕不會，我敢打賭！」
女兒是好的，我一時慈愛之心大起。
她用胳臂摟著我的脖子。
「全世界沒人像爸爸這樣聰明，你做的風箏比誰都好。」
她爬到我的身上來。
「也沒有人像你這麼會講故事。」
她把頭靠在我的胸上。
「玩起球來，你也最行。」
她把兩隻胳臂圍著我的脖子，把我摟得緊緊的。
「我最喜歡爸爸了，我不管媽媽說什麼，我想你一定是全世界最聰明的男人。」
忽然發現一樁事，使我恍如大夢初醒。
我無意之中聽到愛妻把一些人生大道理傳授給九歲的女兒。
我聽了大為愕然，現在特地轉告各位已婚男子，以資警惕。
她們母女倆出去逛街買新衣服，
捧著大大小小的盒子回家，並不知道我在浴室。
愛妻得意洋洋的哼著周杰倫的「爸爸不要打我媽媽」，把買回來的東西放在衣箱裡。
突然女兒問道：「媽媽，爸爸一直說窮，是真的嗎？」
「當然不是，他只是要我們知道，他需要辛辛苦苦地賺錢，我們才有好日子過。」
「難道他賺錢不辛苦嗎？」
「並不像他說的那麼辛苦。」
我剛要插嘴反駁，可是還沒有來得及開口，愛妻又繼續說下去。
「我的好女兒，那只不過是一種花招，妳長大了也要學習的。
男人都一樣，要人奉承，他們喜歡自以為是的，總認為自己聰明又能幹，
我們沒有他們就過不了好日子，妳可曾注意到，
有妳爸爸在旁邊的時候，我都故意裝得什麼都不會？」
「我知道。」
「他不在的時候，我自己當然能獨當一面。
可是男人並不喜歡女人能幹，
妳將來自己有了丈夫的時候可要記住這一點。
他們喜歡不但不會做事，而且有點傻氣的老婆，
使他們覺得自己了不起。
妳現在要開始學的，就是怎樣在適當的時機顯得軟弱無能，
千萬別讓男人看出妳知道的比他多，他一輩子都不會饒妳的。」
女兒仔細思考這個人生真諦。
我一聲不響地靜待著，像河馬似的，
把鼻子和耳朵露出水面，每個字都要聽得清清楚楚。
女兒開口了，她問：「妳不愛爸爸嗎？」
「當然愛他，女人的秘密武器是假裝纖弱溫柔，
要纖弱得連轉開牙膏的蓋子都非得要人幫忙不可。」
過了一會兒，她像嗓子裡有東西堵住，很不好受的追加一句：
「我甚至於天冷時半夜起來，倒一杯水都不會。」
後來她們發現我在浴室裡時，我假裝在澡盆裡睡著了，
所以她們不知道母女倆這段氣煞人的對話已經全部被我聽到。
我想，等著瞧吧，女兒要是敢照這番母教來捉弄我的話，
我便好好的打她一頓屁股。
可是她使出新學的這一招時，手法完全出乎我的意料之外。
當天晚上我坐著看書，她跑過來站在旁邊，
我心想她要現原形了，先來一番甜言蜜語，
逗我高興，然後求我多給她零用錢，
我要是不好好的教訓她一頓就怪了。
她說：「爸爸。」
我說：「什麼事？」
「有件事你知道嗎？」
「不知道，什麼事？」
「媽媽認為你是個傻瓜。」
「妳為什麼這樣說？」
「是她這麼說的，她說你並沒有像你自己想的那麼聰明。」
「她什麼時候說這樣的話？」
「今天。她說男人都是傻瓜，只要馬屁拍得好，要他們幹什麼，他們都肯。」
「那妳認為怎麼樣呢？」
這孩子本性是老實的，其實我不必替她擔憂，
她說：「我不認為爸爸傻，你不會上那樣的當，
別的男人也許會，我的爸爸可不會，絕不會，我敢打賭！」
女兒是好的，我一時慈愛之心大起。
她用胳臂摟著我的脖子。
「全世界沒人像爸爸這樣聰明，你做的風箏比誰都好。」
她爬到我的身上來。
「也沒有人像你這麼會講故事。」
她把頭靠在我的胸上。
「玩起球來，你也最行。」
她把兩隻胳臂圍著我的脖子，把我摟得緊緊的。
「我最喜歡爸爸了，我不管媽媽說什麼，我想你一定是全世界最聰明的男人。」
老實說，每天給一個九歲的女孩子二十元的零用錢實在太少了，
頓時，我把她的零用錢提高到一百元。
Visa Interview
An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a visa.
Consul : What is your name?
Arab : Abdul Aziz
Consul : Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week
Consul : I mean, male or female?
Arab : Both male and female and sometimes even camels
Consul : Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!
Consul : Man,........ isn't it hostile?
Arab : Horse style, dog style, any style
Consul : Oh.......... dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast!
Consul : What is your name?
Arab : Abdul Aziz
Consul : Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week
Consul : I mean, male or female?
Arab : Both male and female and sometimes even camels
Consul : Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!
Consul : Man,........ isn't it hostile?
Arab : Horse style, dog style, any style
Consul : Oh.......... dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast!
Bill Colinton's driver
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when
all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what
had happened.
About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with
a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped
and torn.
"What happened to you", asked Bill.
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar
and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them", asks Clinton.
The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig".
all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what
had happened.
About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with
a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped
and torn.
"What happened to you", asked Bill.
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar
and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them", asks Clinton.
The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig".
祖先跟斑紋的關係
從前有一隻很可愛的乳牛 叫做牛牛
有一天他看著自己身上的斑點 於是跑去問媽媽
「馬媽～為啥麼我們身上都一塊一塊黑色的呢～？」
牛媽媽說：
「那是因為我們祖先在逃難的時候 剛好天上降下隕石
身上被小小的碎屑打傷了而產生的烏青阿！後來我們身上都有這些烏青了
這代表我們的祖先都很勇敢喔！」
牛牛：「喔～媽媽我了解了～」
然後牛牛跑出門玩
走著走著看見一隻熊貓
牛牛：...............（思考中）
熊貓：...............（看到牛牛，思考中）
牛牛：「你的祖先也被隕石打到嗎～？」
熊貓：「拜託～我們的祖先才沒那麼遜呢...
這是因為我們的祖先在遷徙的時候渡過了一條淺淺的黑水溝
所以手腳都變黑啦
後來渡過黑水溝後 有一隻熊貓發現最小的一隻熊貓淹死了」
他跑去告訴大家 大家剛開始都不相信
都說『我不要聽！我不要聽！』就把耳朵摀住
後來大家相信這是真的 都難過地哭了 又用手去揉眼睛
所以後來連耳朵跟眼睛也都變黑了
後來的熊貓為了紀念這些事情
所以身體也就變成這樣囉」
牛牛：「挖～原來如此 好有趣喔～」
於是牛牛就跟熊貓一起走
走著走著
他們看見了一隻斑馬
牛牛：（他的祖先一定是躲在屋頂一格一格的破屋子裡...
被從隙縫掉下來的隕石打到...）
熊貓：（他的祖先渡河時穿著橫條紋鏤空泳衣...）
斑馬看到這兩隻動物盯著自己看
便有點不高興地說道：
「幹嘛盯著人家看阿？
這兩個祖先連百葉窗都買不起的傢伙...」
有一天他看著自己身上的斑點 於是跑去問媽媽
「馬媽～為啥麼我們身上都一塊一塊黑色的呢～？」
牛媽媽說：
「那是因為我們祖先在逃難的時候 剛好天上降下隕石
身上被小小的碎屑打傷了而產生的烏青阿！後來我們身上都有這些烏青了
這代表我們的祖先都很勇敢喔！」
牛牛：「喔～媽媽我了解了～」
然後牛牛跑出門玩
走著走著看見一隻熊貓
牛牛：...............（思考中）
熊貓：...............（看到牛牛，思考中）
牛牛：「你的祖先也被隕石打到嗎～？」
熊貓：「拜託～我們的祖先才沒那麼遜呢...
這是因為我們的祖先在遷徙的時候渡過了一條淺淺的黑水溝
所以手腳都變黑啦
後來渡過黑水溝後 有一隻熊貓發現最小的一隻熊貓淹死了」
他跑去告訴大家 大家剛開始都不相信
都說『我不要聽！我不要聽！』就把耳朵摀住
後來大家相信這是真的 都難過地哭了 又用手去揉眼睛
所以後來連耳朵跟眼睛也都變黑了
後來的熊貓為了紀念這些事情
所以身體也就變成這樣囉」
牛牛：「挖～原來如此 好有趣喔～」
於是牛牛就跟熊貓一起走
走著走著
他們看見了一隻斑馬
牛牛：（他的祖先一定是躲在屋頂一格一格的破屋子裡...
被從隙縫掉下來的隕石打到...）
熊貓：（他的祖先渡河時穿著橫條紋鏤空泳衣...）
斑馬看到這兩隻動物盯著自己看
便有點不高興地說道：
「幹嘛盯著人家看阿？
這兩個祖先連百葉窗都買不起的傢伙...」
十八禁笑話
有一位漁夫，
每週的星期天下午都去碼頭釣魚，
一般的情況他能釣滿半桶魚。
有一天他正在釣魚時，來了一位男士。
他走到海邊，把手掌放進水中，
不一會工夫，在他手周圍擠滿了魚群，
他空手一抓，放到塑膠袋，
不到十分鐘裝滿了一袋子，便走了。
漁夫看得目瞪口呆。
他一生以釣魚為業，
從來沒見過如此厲害人物，
空手就能弄到這麼多魚。
第二個週日下午，漁夫又到老地方釣魚。
過了一會，又來了上週那傢伙。
他又用手放進水中，
又是不到十分鐘就裝滿了一塑膠袋。
正準備離去時，漁夫忍不住，攔住他，
漁夫說：
「老兄，你是幹什麼行業的？
為何比我這漁夫還會釣魚？
有什麼秘方？」
那人哈哈一笑：
「我是送信的郵差。
釣魚最重要的是魚餌，我用的餌，
是，嘿嘿。」他伸出食指，
繼續說道：
「把這個放進女人那裡，
然後不要碰水，直接來釣魚，
那味道魚兒是擋不住的。」
又一個週日到了，漁夫要去釣魚，
想起上週郵差的話。
他看見太太正跪在地上拖地，
於是悄悄地，溜到她背後，伸出食指，
向她那地方插進去。
「是你嗎？郵差先生。」太太頭也不回地說。
每週的星期天下午都去碼頭釣魚，
一般的情況他能釣滿半桶魚。
有一天他正在釣魚時，來了一位男士。
他走到海邊，把手掌放進水中，
不一會工夫，在他手周圍擠滿了魚群，
他空手一抓，放到塑膠袋，
不到十分鐘裝滿了一袋子，便走了。
漁夫看得目瞪口呆。
他一生以釣魚為業，
從來沒見過如此厲害人物，
空手就能弄到這麼多魚。
第二個週日下午，漁夫又到老地方釣魚。
過了一會，又來了上週那傢伙。
他又用手放進水中，
又是不到十分鐘就裝滿了一塑膠袋。
正準備離去時，漁夫忍不住，攔住他，
漁夫說：
「老兄，你是幹什麼行業的？
為何比我這漁夫還會釣魚？
有什麼秘方？」
那人哈哈一笑：
「我是送信的郵差。
釣魚最重要的是魚餌，我用的餌，
是，嘿嘿。」他伸出食指，
繼續說道：
「把這個放進女人那裡，
然後不要碰水，直接來釣魚，
那味道魚兒是擋不住的。」
又一個週日到了，漁夫要去釣魚，
想起上週郵差的話。
他看見太太正跪在地上拖地，
於是悄悄地，溜到她背後，伸出食指，
向她那地方插進去。
「是你嗎？郵差先生。」太太頭也不回地說。
第一個客人 免費
有一位理髮師他開了一間理髮廳
有一天,有個美國人來剪頭髮
剪完以後,理髮師對他說:「你是我今天的第一個客人,所以免費」
美國人聽了以後就很高興的走了
隔天早上當理髮師開門的時候,他發現了地上放了一籃蘋果
=========================================================
又有一天,有個英國人來剪頭髮
剪完以後,理髮師對他說:「你是我今天的第一個客人,所以免費」
英國人聽了以後也很高興的走了
隔天早上當理髮師開門的時候,他發現地上放了一個包裝精美的禮物
=========================================================
有一天,有個美國人來剪頭髮
剪完以後,理髮師對他說:「你是我今天的第一個客人,所以免費」
美國人聽了以後就很高興的走了
隔天早上當理髮師開門的時候,他發現了地上放了一籃蘋果
=========================================================
又有一天,有個英國人來剪頭髮
剪完以後,理髮師對他說:「你是我今天的第一個客人,所以免費」
英國人聽了以後也很高興的走了
隔天早上當理髮師開門的時候,他發現地上放了一個包裝精美的禮物
=========================================================
再來有一天,來了個中國人要剪頭髮
剪完以後,理髮師對他說:「你是我今天的第一個客人,所以免費」
中國人聽了以後也是十分高興的走了
隔天早上當理髮師開門的時候...............................
他發現門口站了一堆中國人
2013年10月3日 星期四
程式設計師最常說的25句話
25.都這樣了，還不work，搞什麼？
24.你可能中毒了喔！
23.一定是有人改了我的程式。
22.已經可以了，不過還沒run過喔！
21.都好了阿，還沒run過就是了。
20.我不是已經修好了嗎？
19.This can't do that.
18.我一個人又測不完！
17.怎麼那麼衰！
16.沒問題，馬上好！
15.當然，當然，我再修一修就可以了。
14.快好了，快好了。
13.好啦！只不過一個小功能嘛！
12.你拿錯執行檔了。
11.可以，可以，來得及。
10.我沒動過這個模組喔！
9.你的測試資料一定有錯（我那邊不會啊）！
8.不可以這樣操作啦！
7.你的驅動程式升級了沒阿？
6.機器好像壞了。
5.怎麼可能？
4.喔，這程式還要改一下。
3.昨天還好好的呀！
2.我從來不知道有這種事。
1.奇怪...
24.你可能中毒了喔！
23.一定是有人改了我的程式。
22.已經可以了，不過還沒run過喔！
21.都好了阿，還沒run過就是了。
20.我不是已經修好了嗎？
19.This can't do that.
18.我一個人又測不完！
17.怎麼那麼衰！
16.沒問題，馬上好！
15.當然，當然，我再修一修就可以了。
14.快好了，快好了。
13.好啦！只不過一個小功能嘛！
12.你拿錯執行檔了。
11.可以，可以，來得及。
10.我沒動過這個模組喔！
9.你的測試資料一定有錯（我那邊不會啊）！
8.不可以這樣操作啦！
7.你的驅動程式升級了沒阿？
6.機器好像壞了。
5.怎麼可能？
4.喔，這程式還要改一下。
3.昨天還好好的呀！
2.我從來不知道有這種事。
1.奇怪...
Personal question
A six-year-old girl asks her mother, - "Mommy, how old are you?"
The mother replies, - "Honey, that's a very personal question. You are not supposed to ask a woman her age."
Then she asks, - " How much do you weigh?"
The mother says, - "Honey, that is also a personal question. People don't want to be asked about their weight."
The girl goes on, - "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
The mother says, - "That's a very sensitive subject. When you are older, I'll tell you."
The next day, the girl goes to the kindergarten and tells her friend about the conversation she had with her mother. Her friend says, - "That's easy!! Look at her driver's license. You can find all the
information in there."
So the girl finds her mother's driver's license in her purse, looks at it for a while, smiles big, and runs to her mother. - "Mommy, mommy, I know how old you are! You are 32! I know how much you weigh, too! You
weigh 130 pounds! And I also know why you got a divorce! You got an "F" in sex! "
The mother replies, - "Honey, that's a very personal question. You are not supposed to ask a woman her age."
Then she asks, - " How much do you weigh?"
The mother says, - "Honey, that is also a personal question. People don't want to be asked about their weight."
The girl goes on, - "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
The mother says, - "That's a very sensitive subject. When you are older, I'll tell you."
The next day, the girl goes to the kindergarten and tells her friend about the conversation she had with her mother. Her friend says, - "That's easy!! Look at her driver's license. You can find all the
information in there."
So the girl finds her mother's driver's license in her purse, looks at it for a while, smiles big, and runs to her mother. - "Mommy, mommy, I know how old you are! You are 32! I know how much you weigh, too! You
weigh 130 pounds! And I also know why you got a divorce! You got an "F" in sex! "
Two assholes
Georege died in a fire.
He's badly burn and can't be recognized.
Thus, cop called his two friends, Mike and John, to identify George.
When Mike came and saw the body.
He told cop "Flip him over."
Cop did what he said.
Mike looked at George's butt and said "no, not George."
Cop asked "how can u be sure?"
Mike answered, "Cuz George has two assholes."
Then it's John's turn.
John said the same thing, "Flip him over."
Cop fliped the body.
John looked at George's butt and said "no, that's not him."
Cop asked "how can u be sure?"
John said "Cuz George has two assholes."
The cops were confused and called both Mike and John.
The captain said "Are you sure that's not George."
Both answered "Yeah".
The captain said "cuz he has two assholes? how?"
Mike and John said "Whenever three of us go to village,
we always hear people said "lo, there comes George with those two assholes!"
He's badly burn and can't be recognized.
Thus, cop called his two friends, Mike and John, to identify George.
When Mike came and saw the body.
He told cop "Flip him over."
Cop did what he said.
Mike looked at George's butt and said "no, not George."
Cop asked "how can u be sure?"
Mike answered, "Cuz George has two assholes."
Then it's John's turn.
John said the same thing, "Flip him over."
Cop fliped the body.
John looked at George's butt and said "no, that's not him."
Cop asked "how can u be sure?"
John said "Cuz George has two assholes."
The cops were confused and called both Mike and John.
The captain said "Are you sure that's not George."
Both answered "Yeah".
The captain said "cuz he has two assholes? how?"
Mike and John said "Whenever three of us go to village,
we always hear people said "lo, there comes George with those two assholes!"
鴨子是誰的
小軒去獵鴨子。當他射到一鴨子時，鴨子掉到小瑞的院子裡，
小軒爬過籬笆要撿他的獵物，但目睹一切的小瑞拿著獵槍大聲地說：
『喂..看看這裡，鴨子是我的耶。』
小軒回答說：『但鴨子是我射到的，所以鴨子應該是我的。』
小瑞說：『牠掉在我的地方，所以應該是我的。』
他們一直爭論著，爭議著鴨子的所有權。
過了一會，小瑞：『我們應該以傳統的方法來決定。』
小軒問：『什麼是傳統的方法呢？』
小瑞解釋：
『首先，我踢你的老二。然後你再踢我的老二，像這樣互相對踢，
直到一方認輸，贏的就可以得到鴨子。』
願意做任何事來換回鴨子的小軒，同意了這項秀逗競賽。
小瑞把腿往後伸直，使盡吃奶力量往小軒的老二狠狠一踢。
痛不欲生的小軒倒地呻吟哀嚎十分鐘之後，他試著站起來沙啞地說：
『現在換我了。』
小瑞笑著說：『喔，我認輸，鴨子是你的了，你拿走吧。』
小軒爬過籬笆要撿他的獵物，但目睹一切的小瑞拿著獵槍大聲地說：
『喂..看看這裡，鴨子是我的耶。』
小軒回答說：『但鴨子是我射到的，所以鴨子應該是我的。』
小瑞說：『牠掉在我的地方，所以應該是我的。』
他們一直爭論著，爭議著鴨子的所有權。
過了一會，小瑞：『我們應該以傳統的方法來決定。』
小軒問：『什麼是傳統的方法呢？』
小瑞解釋：
『首先，我踢你的老二。然後你再踢我的老二，像這樣互相對踢，
直到一方認輸，贏的就可以得到鴨子。』
願意做任何事來換回鴨子的小軒，同意了這項秀逗競賽。
小瑞把腿往後伸直，使盡吃奶力量往小軒的老二狠狠一踢。
痛不欲生的小軒倒地呻吟哀嚎十分鐘之後，他試著站起來沙啞地說：
『現在換我了。』
小瑞笑著說：『喔，我認輸，鴨子是你的了，你拿走吧。』
失之毫釐差之千里
還在讀三年級的圓圓是個左撇子，一天老師回家前出了題作文題目，
作為同學的家庭功課，圓圓急急忙忙的抄下題目就收拾書包回家了。
回家後打開連絡簿，才看到作文題是“媽媽的毛”，
這下可難倒這個三年級的小女生了，圓圓絞盡腦汁想了半天，才寫了兩行：
『媽媽的毛，最長的是頭髮，最短的是睫毛』，就怎麼也寫不下去了，於是跑去問媽媽。
媽媽一看到題目是寫關於她的“毛”著實嚇了一跳，
於是媽媽打電話去和老師理論，問老師怎麼出這種題目。
媽媽：『老師啊，你有沒有搞錯，孩子還這麼小怎麼能出這種題目呢？』
老師：『這作文題目有什麼問題嗎？我覺得小孩子越早寫這種題目越好。』
﹝老師覺得這樣可以讓小朋友早一點知道感恩。﹞
媽媽：『有沒有搞錯啊？這老師是怎麼當的？』
老師心想，是不是媽媽不好意思在小孩面前自己誇讚自己，才不好意思寫？
於是說：『要是真的不會寫，也可以問問爸爸啊，參考一下他的意見。』
這時媽媽真的氣瘋了，生氣的罵：
『我說老師啊！你再怎麼樣也不能出“媽媽的毛”這種題目嘛！』
老師嚇了一跳：『我出的題目是“媽媽的手”耶！』
作為同學的家庭功課，圓圓急急忙忙的抄下題目就收拾書包回家了。
回家後打開連絡簿，才看到作文題是“媽媽的毛”，
這下可難倒這個三年級的小女生了，圓圓絞盡腦汁想了半天，才寫了兩行：
『媽媽的毛，最長的是頭髮，最短的是睫毛』，就怎麼也寫不下去了，於是跑去問媽媽。
媽媽一看到題目是寫關於她的“毛”著實嚇了一跳，
於是媽媽打電話去和老師理論，問老師怎麼出這種題目。
媽媽：『老師啊，你有沒有搞錯，孩子還這麼小怎麼能出這種題目呢？』
老師：『這作文題目有什麼問題嗎？我覺得小孩子越早寫這種題目越好。』
﹝老師覺得這樣可以讓小朋友早一點知道感恩。﹞
媽媽：『有沒有搞錯啊？這老師是怎麼當的？』
老師心想，是不是媽媽不好意思在小孩面前自己誇讚自己，才不好意思寫？
於是說：『要是真的不會寫，也可以問問爸爸啊，參考一下他的意見。』
這時媽媽真的氣瘋了，生氣的罵：
『我說老師啊！你再怎麼樣也不能出“媽媽的毛”這種題目嘛！』
老師嚇了一跳：『我出的題目是“媽媽的手”耶！』
致富之道
在台灣剛開始有選舉之後, 選出了第一批議員, 吳先生有幸當選了!
當選之後,他到日本去參觀, 受到日本方面的大力招待.
晚間,在一位日本議員的豪華巨宅舉行晚宴,
吳議員對這位日本小川先生能擁有此一巨宅感到不解,
於是便私下詢問：「小川先生, 您只是一個議員, 如何能擁有這麼好的房子?」
小川先生拉開窗廉, 指著外面：「看到那座橋沒有?拿十分之一, 就有 這棟房子了」
吳先生很有收穫的回國了!
幾年後, 小川先生到台灣來了!自然也受到吳議員的熱烈歡迎.
晚間, 小川先生更為吳議員的超級豪華巨宅感到不解, 便私下詢問：
「吳先生, 按我當年教您的方法, 似乎不能有此棟華宅, 您能告訴我您是怎麼辦到的?」
吳議員拉開窗簾, 指著外面:「看到外面那座橋沒有?」
「沒有啊! 啥都沒看到啊?!」小川先生不解的說
「當然沒有, 因為全在這裡了」
當選之後,他到日本去參觀, 受到日本方面的大力招待.
晚間,在一位日本議員的豪華巨宅舉行晚宴,
吳議員對這位日本小川先生能擁有此一巨宅感到不解,
於是便私下詢問：「小川先生, 您只是一個議員, 如何能擁有這麼好的房子?」
小川先生拉開窗廉, 指著外面：「看到那座橋沒有?拿十分之一, 就有 這棟房子了」
吳先生很有收穫的回國了!
幾年後, 小川先生到台灣來了!自然也受到吳議員的熱烈歡迎.
晚間, 小川先生更為吳議員的超級豪華巨宅感到不解, 便私下詢問：
「吳先生, 按我當年教您的方法, 似乎不能有此棟華宅, 您能告訴我您是怎麼辦到的?」
吳議員拉開窗簾, 指著外面:「看到外面那座橋沒有?」
「沒有啊! 啥都沒看到啊?!」小川先生不解的說
「當然沒有, 因為全在這裡了」
Two parts of president's brain
Bush got something wrong with his brain, and he went to see a doctor.
After the medical examination, the doctor told him:
"Bad news, Mr. President. Your brain has two parts: one is left, and another is right.
Your left brain has nothing right. Your right brain has nothing left!"
After the medical examination, the doctor told him:
"Bad news, Mr. President. Your brain has two parts: one is left, and another is right.
Your left brain has nothing right. Your right brain has nothing left!"
2013年10月2日 星期三
槍決
第三次世界大戰結束,
發起國 美國總統, 俄羅斯總理, 日本首相, 中共國家主席四人,
被押赴刑場執行槍決.
第一位被綁上架的是美國總統,
執行官: [Stand up~~~~, 立正~~~~~, 舉槍~~~~~, 預備~~~~~~~~]
美國總統突然大喊: [Ｅａｒｔｈｑｕａｋｅ ！！！]
全場一片大亂, 綠扁帽部隊趁機將總統救走了.....
俄羅斯總理與日本首相看的暗暗點頭.
第二位被綁上場的是俄羅斯總理,
執行官: [Stand up~~~~, 立正~~~~, 舉槍~~~~, 預備~~~~~]
俄羅斯總理突然大喊: [Ｆｌｏｏｄ ！！！]
槍手驚慌走散, KGB成員趁機將總理救走了....
日本首相看的暗暗點頭.
第三位被綁上場的是日本首相,
執行官: [Stand up~~~~, 立正~~~~, 舉槍~~~~, 預備~~~~]
日本首相突然大喊: [Ｔｏｒｎａｄｏ ！！！]
一陣混亂平息之後, 首相也不見了....
中共國家主席這時終於笑了.
最後被綁上場的是中共國家主席,
執行官: [Stand up~~~~, 立正~~~~, 舉槍~~~~, 預備~~~~]
中共國家主席大喊:
[Ｆ Ｉ Ｒ Ｅ ！！！]
發起國 美國總統, 俄羅斯總理, 日本首相, 中共國家主席四人,
被押赴刑場執行槍決.
第一位被綁上架的是美國總統,
執行官: [Stand up~~~~, 立正~~~~~, 舉槍~~~~~, 預備~~~~~~~~]
美國總統突然大喊: [Ｅａｒｔｈｑｕａｋｅ ！！！]
全場一片大亂, 綠扁帽部隊趁機將總統救走了.....
俄羅斯總理與日本首相看的暗暗點頭.
第二位被綁上場的是俄羅斯總理,
執行官: [Stand up~~~~, 立正~~~~, 舉槍~~~~, 預備~~~~~]
俄羅斯總理突然大喊: [Ｆｌｏｏｄ ！！！]
槍手驚慌走散, KGB成員趁機將總理救走了....
日本首相看的暗暗點頭.
第三位被綁上場的是日本首相,
執行官: [Stand up~~~~, 立正~~~~, 舉槍~~~~, 預備~~~~]
日本首相突然大喊: [Ｔｏｒｎａｄｏ ！！！]
一陣混亂平息之後, 首相也不見了....
中共國家主席這時終於笑了.
最後被綁上場的是中共國家主席,
執行官: [Stand up~~~~, 立正~~~~, 舉槍~~~~, 預備~~~~]
中共國家主席大喊:
[Ｆ Ｉ Ｒ Ｅ ！！！]
女人不講話的時候在想什麼
中年漢獨自在海邊漫步，忽然踢到硬物，低頭一看是盞油燈。
他拾起來，用衣袖拭掉上面的沙，巨大的燈神出現。
中年漢問：「是不是有三個願望？」
燈神答：「不，那是童話慣用的誇張手法，我只能為你達成一個願望。」
中年漢提出要求：「我很想去美國大峽谷旅行，但是怕乘飛機；朋友提議坐郵輪，
我卻怕暈船。你可不可建一條大橋，連接臺灣和美國？」
燈神罵道：「神經病！你可知造一條這麼長的橋，需要多少鋼鐵水泥？不可能的事
我不做，你再想一個較實際的願望吧！」
中年漢說：「我結過三次婚，又離過三次婚，每任妻子都怪我不了解她。你能不能
令我開竅，明白女人不講話時，腦子裡究竟在想些什麼？說『不需要』的時候其實
想要什麼？」
燈神嘆一口氣道：「那條跨太平洋大橋，你要雙線還是四線車道？」
他拾起來，用衣袖拭掉上面的沙，巨大的燈神出現。
中年漢問：「是不是有三個願望？」
燈神答：「不，那是童話慣用的誇張手法，我只能為你達成一個願望。」
中年漢提出要求：「我很想去美國大峽谷旅行，但是怕乘飛機；朋友提議坐郵輪，
我卻怕暈船。你可不可建一條大橋，連接臺灣和美國？」
燈神罵道：「神經病！你可知造一條這麼長的橋，需要多少鋼鐵水泥？不可能的事
我不做，你再想一個較實際的願望吧！」
中年漢說：「我結過三次婚，又離過三次婚，每任妻子都怪我不了解她。你能不能
令我開竅，明白女人不講話時，腦子裡究竟在想些什麼？說『不需要』的時候其實
想要什麼？」
燈神嘆一口氣道：「那條跨太平洋大橋，你要雙線還是四線車道？」
大力士比賽
某公司舉辦大力士比賽,
比賽項目是捏柳丁.
第一位出場的是一位大學生, 肌肉結實,
手一捏, 柳丁的汁竟然裝滿了一整杯,
主持人大驚: [這位先生, 您是....]
大學生:[我是體操選手, 練單槓的.]
第二位出場的是一個身著軍服的年輕人,
彎腰拾起柳丁, 手一捏, 竟然又擠出半杯,
主持人嚇呆了:[您...您.....]
軍人答:[我是海軍陸戰隊的.]
第三位出場的是一位光著上身的中年人,
全身肌肉橫練, 上臂竟比頭還要大,
用手接過那已乾扁的柳丁, 用力一捏, 竟然又流出了兩三滴汁!!
主持人已合不攏嘴:[..........]
中年人答:[ 別驚訝, 我是練北斗神拳的..]
就在大獎要抵定之時,
突然走上來一位乾癟的老頭,
主持人: [喂喂! 這位老先生您走錯了.....]
說那時那時快, 老頭從垃圾筒揀起已乾掉的柳丁,
輕輕一捏, 柳丁汁竟如瀑布般噴出,
全場大驚, 主持人腳一軟:[您....您....您是...?]
老先生: 我 是 國 稅 局 的
比賽項目是捏柳丁.
第一位出場的是一位大學生, 肌肉結實,
手一捏, 柳丁的汁竟然裝滿了一整杯,
主持人大驚: [這位先生, 您是....]
大學生:[我是體操選手, 練單槓的.]
第二位出場的是一個身著軍服的年輕人,
彎腰拾起柳丁, 手一捏, 竟然又擠出半杯,
主持人嚇呆了:[您...您.....]
軍人答:[我是海軍陸戰隊的.]
第三位出場的是一位光著上身的中年人,
全身肌肉橫練, 上臂竟比頭還要大,
用手接過那已乾扁的柳丁, 用力一捏, 竟然又流出了兩三滴汁!!
主持人已合不攏嘴:[..........]
中年人答:[ 別驚訝, 我是練北斗神拳的..]
就在大獎要抵定之時,
突然走上來一位乾癟的老頭,
主持人: [喂喂! 這位老先生您走錯了.....]
說那時那時快, 老頭從垃圾筒揀起已乾掉的柳丁,
輕輕一捏, 柳丁汁竟如瀑布般噴出,
全場大驚, 主持人腳一軟:[您....您....您是...?]
老先生: 我 是 國 稅 局 的
皮耶與克勞斯
話說一次世界大戰的時候
德法兩國打的不可開交
於是法國人想出一個辦法…
兩國交戰時，有一個休息時間，
法國趁這休息時候派了一個會說德語的士兵和一個狙擊手出去。
這士兵大喊：「克勞斯，克勞斯在嗎？」〈『克勞斯』為德國的菜市場名〉
德國士兵們聽到有人在叫他的名字便起身回答：「我在這兒…」
此時～「砰」一聲 狙擊手把起身搭腔的那個德國人給作了！
就這樣試了兩三次後
德國人決定以其人之道反制其人之身
他們也派了一個狙擊手和一個會說法語的士兵，
在休息的時候喊他們的菜市場名…
「皮耶，皮耶，你在嗎？」
但是喊了五六次，卻不見法國人有任何動靜
突然，法國人那邊出聲了：
「皮耶不在耶，請問一下克勞斯在嗎？」
德國士兵又站起來搭腔：「我就是…」
「砰！」又一個克勞斯掛了…
德法兩國打的不可開交
於是法國人想出一個辦法…
兩國交戰時，有一個休息時間，
法國趁這休息時候派了一個會說德語的士兵和一個狙擊手出去。
這士兵大喊：「克勞斯，克勞斯在嗎？」〈『克勞斯』為德國的菜市場名〉
德國士兵們聽到有人在叫他的名字便起身回答：「我在這兒…」
此時～「砰」一聲 狙擊手把起身搭腔的那個德國人給作了！
就這樣試了兩三次後
德國人決定以其人之道反制其人之身
他們也派了一個狙擊手和一個會說法語的士兵，
在休息的時候喊他們的菜市場名…
「皮耶，皮耶，你在嗎？」
但是喊了五六次，卻不見法國人有任何動靜
突然，法國人那邊出聲了：
「皮耶不在耶，請問一下克勞斯在嗎？」
德國士兵又站起來搭腔：「我就是…」
「砰！」又一個克勞斯掛了…
誰比較專一
【0 - 5 歲的時候】
女→媽媽。
男→媽媽。
【6 - 10 歲的時候】
女→不是討厭的男孩子就可以了！
男→可以陪我欺負女孩子的男孩。
【11 - 15 歲的時候】
女→十五六七八歲的大哥哥，千萬不要同年紀那班野蠻人！
男→足球，籃球，網球，乒乓球......
【16 - 20 歲的時候】
女→我要十七八歲差不多年紀大家都說讚的「大帥哥」！
男→女人，女人就可以了！
【21 - 25 歲的時候】
女→25-29歲的成熟男人，要有事業基礎，有品味，才華......
男→20-24歲漂亮又有身材的女人。
【26 - 30 歲的時候】
女→仍是堅持要比自己年紀大的男人。
男→20-24歲漂亮又有身材的女人
【30 - 40 歲的時候】
女→心靈契合的好男人。
男→20-24歲漂亮又有身材的女人
【40 - 50 歲的時候】
女→男人。
男→20-24歲漂亮又有身材的女人
【50 - 60 歲的時候】
女→可與他終老的男人。
男→20-24歲漂亮又有身材的女人
【70 - 80 歲的時候】
女→五六十歲時找到的那個男人，最好不需要自己照顧的。
男→20-24歲漂亮又有身材的女人
【80 - 90 歲的時候】
女→比自己遲死的男人。
男→雖然我已經老花眼，看不清楚......但是我還是希望是20-24歲......
女→媽媽。
男→媽媽。
【6 - 10 歲的時候】
女→不是討厭的男孩子就可以了！
男→可以陪我欺負女孩子的男孩。
【11 - 15 歲的時候】
女→十五六七八歲的大哥哥，千萬不要同年紀那班野蠻人！
男→足球，籃球，網球，乒乓球......
【16 - 20 歲的時候】
女→我要十七八歲差不多年紀大家都說讚的「大帥哥」！
男→女人，女人就可以了！
【21 - 25 歲的時候】
女→25-29歲的成熟男人，要有事業基礎，有品味，才華......
男→20-24歲漂亮又有身材的女人。
【26 - 30 歲的時候】
女→仍是堅持要比自己年紀大的男人。
男→20-24歲漂亮又有身材的女人
【30 - 40 歲的時候】
女→心靈契合的好男人。
男→20-24歲漂亮又有身材的女人
【40 - 50 歲的時候】
女→男人。
男→20-24歲漂亮又有身材的女人
【50 - 60 歲的時候】
女→可與他終老的男人。
男→20-24歲漂亮又有身材的女人
【70 - 80 歲的時候】
女→五六十歲時找到的那個男人，最好不需要自己照顧的。
男→20-24歲漂亮又有身材的女人
【80 - 90 歲的時候】
女→比自己遲死的男人。
男→雖然我已經老花眼，看不清楚......但是我還是希望是20-24歲......
噁心的笑話
老大、老二乘坐飛機，老二暈機，不停嘔吐。
一袋吐滿，老大只好去取袋子，
等他回來時，發覺全機人都在不停嘔吐。
老大問其他人原因，老二說：“我看到這袋子吐滿了，
只好又喝進去了半袋，結果他們就全吐了。”
後來，老大和老二去戲院看戲，看到中途二人為情節發展而爭執起來，
並為此打賭。老大指著前邊擺的一排痰盂說：“輸的人要喝一口那裏邊的東西。”
不幸，老大輸了，於是老大皺著眉頭喝了一口。
二人接著賭下邊的情節，這次，老二輸了。
只見老二抱起一個痰盂，咕咚咕咚連喝了十五大口。
老大佩服的五體投地，對老二說：“你太了不起了，居然能連喝十五大口！”
老二搖搖頭，“不是我想喝，那個痰盂裏的痰太濃，我實在咬不斷”
一袋吐滿，老大只好去取袋子，
等他回來時，發覺全機人都在不停嘔吐。
老大問其他人原因，老二說：“我看到這袋子吐滿了，
只好又喝進去了半袋，結果他們就全吐了。”
後來，老大和老二去戲院看戲，看到中途二人為情節發展而爭執起來，
並為此打賭。老大指著前邊擺的一排痰盂說：“輸的人要喝一口那裏邊的東西。”
不幸，老大輸了，於是老大皺著眉頭喝了一口。
二人接著賭下邊的情節，這次，老二輸了。
只見老二抱起一個痰盂，咕咚咕咚連喝了十五大口。
老大佩服的五體投地，對老二說：“你太了不起了，居然能連喝十五大口！”
老二搖搖頭，“不是我想喝，那個痰盂裏的痰太濃，我實在咬不斷”
2013年10月1日 星期二
I is or I am
Teacher：Susan, can you make a sentence beginning with 'I' ?
Susan：I is ……
Teacher：No, I am, not I is.
Susan：OK, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Susan：I is ……
Teacher：No, I am, not I is.
Susan：OK, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
各地對話
某甲在樓上窗台往下看，見熟識的某乙路過忽然停止不前。
....現在倆人是以〝北京話〞對談...（好像太斯文了，怪累的！）
甲：是誰在樓下阿？
乙：是我在這兒呀！
甲：你在做什麼呢？
乙：我在這小便吶！
....現在倆人是以〝國語〞對談...（好像蠻平實的，四個字）
甲：誰再下面？
乙：我在這裡！
甲：你在幹嗎？
乙：我在小便！
...現在倆人是以〝台灣話〞對談...（又簡單多了，才三個字）
甲：啥咪郎？
乙：喜哇吶！
甲：銃商誨？
乙：棒溜內！
....現在倆人是以〝四川話〞對談...（兩個字ㄟ）
甲：喇國？
乙：使握！
甲：昨傻？
乙：潦瞭！
....現在倆人是以〝山東話〞對談...（超酷!!!才一個字）
甲：誰？
乙：俺！
甲：啥？
乙：尿！
....現在倆人是以〝北京話〞對談...（好像太斯文了，怪累的！）
甲：是誰在樓下阿？
乙：是我在這兒呀！
甲：你在做什麼呢？
乙：我在這小便吶！
....現在倆人是以〝國語〞對談...（好像蠻平實的，四個字）
甲：誰再下面？
乙：我在這裡！
甲：你在幹嗎？
乙：我在小便！
...現在倆人是以〝台灣話〞對談...（又簡單多了，才三個字）
甲：啥咪郎？
乙：喜哇吶！
甲：銃商誨？
乙：棒溜內！
....現在倆人是以〝四川話〞對談...（兩個字ㄟ）
甲：喇國？
乙：使握！
甲：昨傻？
乙：潦瞭！
....現在倆人是以〝山東話〞對談...（超酷!!!才一個字）
甲：誰？
乙：俺！
甲：啥？
乙：尿！
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